Welcome to Your Future Nightmare: Pantyhose Dolls

by:   |   Jul 9 2014

Ever lay awake at night, having irrational anxiety that you’ll never amount to anything? With all your worst fears taunting you from the dark corners of your mind, repeating things like “Eating a sleeve of pop biscuits isn’t doing you any favors, Jenny,” and “Maybe if you stopped being such a Nancy, things would work out”? No? OK, then please watch your step while exiting this train.

But for anyone who understands what I’m saying, read on. My therapist once told me that I should name my anxiety, so when it reared its ugly face, I could more easily identify its presence. Like “Oh haaay, Large Marge is here, you guys!” (That was my top contender, name-wise.) This concept never really stuck though, because creating an imaginary “friend” made me feel crazier than any panic attack I was having. Plus fuck thatI ain’t here to make friends. That all changed recently, when I came across a visual that stopped me dead in my Internet tracks. I had finally met the face that properly represented my inner demons and crippling anxiety. I present to you, Pantyhose Face.

Pantyhose Face b&W

This terrifying product of the late-70s craft movement is sure to terrify even the strongest of souls. This is who now taunts me in the wee hours of the morning and in crowded subway cars, whispering that I’ll never be a success and that I’ll probably die in a fiery plane crash. This is now the symbol of all my fears and innermost ugliness. What could more properly represent that sentiment than an old fleshy stocking stuffed with polyfill who stares at you blankly with the beady eyes buried in her sheer, potato-esque face?

Because I love all you GALs, I will warn you NOT to do a Google search for “pantyhose face.” What you will find is perhaps equally as horrifying as the photo above, but it won’t lead you to this oft-forgotten genre of dolls. If you wanna step up your creep game though, you can purchase your very own Pantyhose Friend IRL here. She can sit on the chair beside your bed, watching you. Always watching.

But my friend Pantyhose Face isn’t an anomaly—there were plenty more stocking dolls created in the 70s/80s. And because I want to purge these images from my brain, I will now share them with you.

granny

This page from an old craft magazine pretty much sums up the delicious creepiness (and night terrors) this doll could bring you. See, crafting isn’t all about tissue-box covers and quilted baby blankets. This is for your SAFETY.

Pantyhose doll in tub

 This is Pantyhose’s sexy man friend. He loves to listen to Boz Scaggs while he takes baths.

images

Someone did something to Pantyhose’s baby, and the authorities will be notified.

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And of course, Pantyhose Face has an adoring cat at home. Stare right into her Pantyhose Pussy.

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Jenny

Jenny

Creative Director of G.A.L.
Jenny

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  • JulaiOhMy

    One of the big-time (read: pathetic displays in area antique stores) crafts for a while in my home town was apple-head dollies. You’d make a doll body, then carve a face in an apple and stick it on top. As the apple dried and shrank, you got a withered, frightening (and delicious) old-person face.

    Contrary to popular belief, they did not do any kind of bad juju magics. Except attracting flies.

    • Molly Simms

      But is there any kind of old-person face that’s *not* delicious? Sincerely,
      A Person on Bath Salts

      • JulaiOhMy

        No!
        LYLAS,
        An elderly Pekinese whose owner died, locked in the apartment with me, four days ago.