You’ve probably read about the 1,000 places you “must see” before you leave the planet. But you have yet to read the list that will change your life:
THE 25 DICKS YOU MUST SUCK BEFORE YOU DIE
1. The First Dick
It’s the first one and it’s in your mouth, it’s pretty gross, like a banana you can’t chew. Take it from me, you cannot chew it. Pretend your tongue is your teeth and your teeth are clouds.
2. Dick That Looks Like a Little Old Chinese Man
3. Supermodel Dick
Super tall and skinny, looks unhealthy under harsh lighting. Look, what do you want the fashion industry to do? Clothes just don’t look GOOD on fat dicks.
4. Dick Hidden in a Sandwich!
How’d you get in there? I bought this at Quiznos YESTERDAY.
5. Dick Bouquet
More edible than those fucking cookie bouquets. And you can spit out the frosting.
6. Dick Poking Through a Fence in a Tom Sawyer-Themed Amusement Park
“Boy, suckin’ this dick sure is fun! I sure would hate it if anyone else tried to suck this dick, because I’m having sooooo much fun doing it!”
7. Noir Dick
The fog rolls down the darkened street. It’s a blackout, baby, and a girl like you isn’t safe out here. You turn up the collar on your raincoat as, down the street, a single flash of white. Someone introducing a quick-burn match to its first and only flame—a cheap cigarette? A zip gun signaling the end of some wrong-way Cholly? No, it’s a dick. A highly stylized one.
8. New-Found Self-Esteem Dick
It was right there, the whole time. Inside you(r mouth).
9. Safari Attraction Dick
It could be anywhere in all this hair and it’s possibly even dangerous! Please, keep your arms and head inside of the car and do not stop for any reason. We paid $8 for this and you’re going to enjoy it and learn something.
10. Sketchy Dick
Looks like it was drawn by a 15-year-old on a bathroom wall. Literally, each pube is a quarter-inch in circumference.
11. Frozen Supermarket Dick
Look, I’m too tired to make dick from scratch tonight. I picked some up frozen, go preheat the oven. Wasn’t it your turn to make the dick, anyway?
12. Ourobouros Dick
Pretend that time is a flat circle. Or a round-ish tube with two circles that CAN be flattened but should not be. By the time you get to the middle of this dick, you’ll be asking yourself, hey, haven’t I been here before? Hey, haven’t I been here before? Hey, haven’t I been here before? The balls whirl by and you’re back at the head, again and again, seemingly forever, until either you figure out where you made your mistake and got stuck in this loop or Tom Cruise in some kind of future-catsuit saves you.
13. Double-Tap Dick
Just when you think you’re finally safe, and you can turn your back on it and get some sleep, WHAM there it is all ready for one final scene! And the call is coming from inside of your FACE.
14. Junior High Science Book Dick
Pistil, stamen, nucleus, prophage, base plate, diploid, haploid, allele, they’re all here and they’re all labeled neatly, looking like someone spent tens of minutes coloring them in with Prang watercolors. The smell is vaguely locker-y.
15. Hobo Dick
Usually has a bandanna full of weird knives, dirty clothes, and Indian-head pennies hanging off the end of it.
16. Your Mom Likes This Dick
This dick isn’t very exciting but it’d be such a good provider and anyone can tell that it’s crazy about you(r mouth). You guys would have such cute mouth babies together and she could finally remove the pictures of the mouth babies that came with the frames she bought and replace them with your real mouth babies!
17. Emergency Dick
You’ve had all the training, feeling slightly self-conscious practicing with the plastic dicks at the community center, but this is different and time slows down because this is it, the real thing. Your training takes over—lean in, clear the airway, and remember to yell DICKIE ARE YOU OK.
18. Macho Man Randy Savage Dick
No matter how hard it pile drives your head to the mat, you can’t let go of the feeling that this whole thing is a little fake and silly, and the neon ball snood isn’t helping.
19. Scrying Dick
Ask a question, put all the Scrabble tiles in your mouth, and wait for the answers to be spelled out. You might need a mirror.
20. Tiny Dick
Like a shy undersea plant waving in slow motion, like a little piece of biscuit dough unseen on the floor, you’re not sure if you want to mother it or pretend you didn’t see it until someone else picks it up or the dog eats it.
21. Boy Band Dick
What the hell, there are always two or three more on either side of it, and they can all do complete spins in unison. I’m getting the hell out of here.
22. Cookie Dick
This one isn’t actually a dick, I just thought maybe you would like a cookie right around now. At least try to make it an oblong one like a biscotti or a Milano or a madeleine. Yes, you can chew this one.
23. Colonial India Dick
Have your boy wave the flies away, gargle some quinine, and do your duty to Queen and country. Deah god, it’s hot, even if it is the rainy season. And these mosquito nets do absolutely nothing.
When you fell off the deck of the Disney Carnival Cruise, you knew a moment of perfect fear, followed by utter calm and relief that you were out of that rodent’s clutches for good. Just as your final breath imploded your lungs, from beneath there came a powerful rush, pushing your head up toward the air. Then a powerful hand, pushing your head back down. Then pulling it back up, then pushing it back down, then pulling/pushing/pulling/pushing, etc. Later, when you wash up on the beach, you’re found and taken to a cryogenic dentist’s office for study and specimen collection.
25. The Last Dick
Your deathbed. It’s still a BED, you know. You lift one veiny hand from the heirloom counterpane, each square cut from your life’s cloth—your wedding dress, your child’s christening blanket, the shirt he wore when you walked into your first home together. Your hand moves across all of them, finally grabbing the priest’s arm as he offers you final succor—the blessing of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit—in time to whisper, “I bet I can take on all three of ‘em.”
Latest posts by Julai Whipple (see all)
- Where Panties and the Paranomal Meet: The Story of the Haunted Lingerie Store - October 30, 2015
- 50 Shades of Grey Gardens - October 1, 2015
- Which Prince Side Project Are You? - February 24, 2015