Life Lessons From Mommie Dearest

by:   |   Dec 11 2014

Mommie Dearestthe 1981 biopic about screen legend Joan Crawfordmay be a camp classic, but I think it’s the single most terrifying movie for anyone with mommy issues. I’ve seen A LOT of horror in my day, and nothing quite comes close to mom’s wrath when she’s angry. Growing up with a mother who was always one mood swing away from coming completely unhinged, this movie hit a little too close to home. But aside from being completely terrified of Faye Dunaway’s eyebrows, I took away some solid life lessons from this film. So get out your pad and (brow) pencils, and get ready to learn a thing or two.

1. If you want to be pretty, get ready to SUFFER. Prep yourself for ice baths, wearing facial-support straps while you’re sleeping, and jogging with too many layers (to sweat out all your water weight, of course). The suffering never ends, so brace yourself.

MD Ice Bath

2. Having three shower heads means you’ve made it in life, and there’s really nowhere left to go. Soak up your success.


3. Yelling at someone while your face is covered in cold cream really ups your “I’ve not nothing to lose” vibes. So time those fights accordingly!

Mommy Cold Cream

4. If you ever find yourself saying “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at the dirt” you may want to re-visit your life’s priorities. That being said, nothing is ever clean, so accept that the world is a filth-covered cesspool.


5. When your boyfriend calls you old, promptly throw a drink in his face and insult every fiber of his being. That’s what being an adult is all about.


6.  Nothing says opulence like sitting on a white chaise lounge wearing a white turban and a white monogrammed robe, methodically rubbing lotion into your skin. You own EVERYTHING!


7. Having absurdly dramatic eyebrows expands your bitch-face possibilities. So get your brow pencils out, ladies!


8. Knowing where the find the booze and the boys will be one of your greatest strengths in life, so sharpen those valuable skills.

Boys and Booze

8. No matter how bad the arguments are between you and your mother, she probably hasn’t strangled you with an electrical cord, so there’s still hope.


10. If you’re going to have a manic episode involving an axe and a fruit tree in the middle of the night, evening wear is a must. I mean you’re still a lady, for Christ’s sake.


11. And I shouldn’t even have to state the obvious, but……


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Creative Director of G.A.L.

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  • GIO

    LOL, I love this movie