The Five-Step Guide to Sexy Selfies

by:   |   May 7 2015

bernadette

Let’s set the mood: You lay supine on the velvet chaise lounge in your crimson-colored boudoir. Your floor-length silk dressing gown cascades to the floor. A cucumber and a squash, both fully lubricated, lay beside you. Chet Baker music emits a soft hum from your laptop in the corner of the room. Oh yes, ladies. This is sexy time.

Your cell phone dings. Your lover has sent you a tantalizing dick pic. You want to send him something back to get you both in the mood, but what’s a lady to do?

Step 1: Snapchat

Legally speaking, if you send a nude selfie to someone else they are totally allowed to post and share it at their whim. If they took the picture themselves, this would not be the case. But alas, your lover is far away, probably building shelters for homeless tortoises in the Galapagos Islands or taking his real family to Disney Land. In order to avoid the risk of your photo becoming a feed on Reddit, open up your Snapchat. Make sure the viewing time is only one to two seconds, so he has no time to take a screen shot.

Step 2: Close-ups

Make sure the camera is facing you and put it right up close to your body. Snap a pic of your areola, your pubic hair, or even the crook of your arm. Since the viewing time is short, he’ll likely have no idea what he’s looking at, but the simple sight of your flesh will certainly engorge his aching member.

Screen Shot 2015-04-28 at 10.34.29 PM

Step 3: Drawing

There’s nothing sexier than beauty and talent! Draw yourself or your man naked. You can extend the viewing time on your Snapchat so he has time to admire your fine work. Don’t be afraid to make aggressive stylistic choices!

Step 4: Lingerie

Drape your favorite lingerie onto a mannequin and send him a few pics. It’s shaped like a lady, so that oughta be pretty satisfying, right? Make sure to take a few shots from behind. There’s nothing that gets a man’s blood boiling quite like the tight ass of a mannequin. If you don’t have a mannequin, use the sexiest chair you own.

 

Step 5: Magic Mark-It

Find the nearest Sharpie or other sub-par brand of permanent marker. Scrawl your favorite attributes about him across your chest, stomach, thighs, feet, and anywhere else you can reach. Not only will this flatter your man, but it will appeal to his primal instinct of marking his territory. HOT.

stomach photo selfie post

Now send your sexy selfie into the internet ether, and try not to imagine him blackmailing you with it in the near future!

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Raquel Glassner

Raquel Glassner

Raquel Glassner

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