You guys, it’s been too long! I know, we are the worst. Are you mad at us? Are we still friends? We still love you, we’ve just been on vacation for a hot minute getting our affairs in order. And by “affairs,” I mean doing things like searching for the best dollar-store sun visors, consuming mind-altering edibles at the beach, and conducting groundbreaking studies about fried clams, our psychic abilities, and spooky amusement-park rides. Really just gathering statistics, doing the good Lord’s work. Nonetheless, I’m so sorry we’ve been absentee parents—we promise to never leave you like that again. So here’s a little highlight reel of what we’ve been up to.
1. First off, I MUST inform you of a very important family history discovery I’ve made this summer. Are you sitting down? My grandmother’s first cousin (which makes him my third cousin, I guess?) was CHER’S FUCKING HAIRSTYLIST in the early days. WHAT?! I have to say, I always suspected Cher and I had a deep spiritual- and/or hair-related connection, and now I know that it’s the TRUTH. Check out this photo of my cousin Frank Mustakes and Cher kickin it. Also THAT FUCKING SHIRT. This is almost too much for me to handle. It’s also nice to know that my strong-eyebrow lineage runs ruul deep.
2. I’ve finally answered the burning question that’s been lurking inside your heart for years: Which of the Coney Island horror rides is better, Spook-a-Rama or Ghost Hole? My fellow spookiness-loving pal Samantha and I did some investigative work to see which came out on top. I’ll break it down for you real quick, cause I know you’re a hardworking gal who doesn’t have time to beat around the bush. (Unless you’re into that sort of thing, then by all means, please make time for that.)
The exterior of Ghost Hole (my go-to DJ name if the time every arises) is very intimidating, and I was preparing myself for the worst. However, it really all comes down to the darkness factor, and Spook-a-Rama really beats Ghost Hole in that department. It’s dark AF in there and I was fully prepared to emerge from the ride to meet the zombie apocalypse I’ve been preparing for in my dreams for years. These photos really capture our feelings about each one:
3. I also conducted research this summer into whether or not my friends and I are psychic. I found this book in a thrift shop (where I find all my life’s most important reference materials), and it promised to tell me if what I’ve always suspected is true, that I can see into people’s souls and predict the future! So what did I learn, you ask? Umm, I have no idea, ’cause we got drunk on wine, smoked a lot of weed, ate an entire “all butter” loaf cake and proceeded to pass out. Well at least we have our priorities straight, that’s for sure.
photo by my pal Sam
4. Other summer notables include: seeing a couple have sex on the Wonder Wheel, having a bat land on my shoulder in Prospect Park, eating my weight in fried clams, seeing a woman openly jerking off her husband at the beach, and starting to re-watch Moonlighting. And, MOST importantly, I had this shirt made on the Rockaway boardwalk…..
How did you spend your summer vacation?